My Public Service (Disney version)

At the bottom of the hill where I live, there is a pretty nasty intersection. Unfortunately, it's not the kind of intersection they can install a stop-light into because of the odd directions that those roads converge and cross eachother. They have a crossing guard, but not a cop; a chubby yuppyish lady and she is a dread provoking dumpster orca.
She wears a flat straw hat like a fucking Banjo player from a horseless buggy convention, and.....wait for it.....big giant white fucking Mickey Mouse Gloves. The ones with four fingers that are about 12" huge.
She screams at you if you don't see her, that horrible pink ape. She's a bloated drowning victim without the Dorothy Parker personality.
Well, I need to blow off steam too right?
Another important note: I can huck a loogie out of a moving car and hit a bird in flight. I am that good.
Last year, she yelled at me for not seeing her sweaty pits holding the flab horizontal. I got stressed a little but said, well...she's a pain in everyone's ass; she'll get hers eventually. Yesterday, that day came. At the intersection she was arm-flab-horizontal with her back to me and...SnaaaaPOW! Special delivery from the loogie sniper. See you in hell, beeyach.
The show in my rear view mirror was fricking convulsing Zen.
I didn't knock her hat off, but she did lunge forward in surprise/shock and during the recoil, her glasses smashed onto the road. I am glad I didn't knock the hat off, it gives me something to focus on. Best part is, that she looked in the opposite direction (toward the book depository) so see where the hell the shot came from.
I am going to keep doing this until I knock that phony flower off her hat. After I do that, I am going to leave her a donald duck beak to wear so I can aim closer to her eyes.
For those keeping track at home the score is:
Loogie ninja: 1
Big dumb bag of meat: 0

We mourn Crazy Grady (5/22)

I was living in Boston at the end of the 90's working on the "Mrs. Garrett's Rack" for some manufacturers. Anyway, a workplace discussion got us talking about Whitman Mayo, the guy who played Grady on Sanford and Sons.

Long story short, "Whit" was surprisingly easy to track down.

He was living in Atlanta, GA (I go there for work sometimes), so I kept trying to set up a dinner so I could get some good Redd Foxx stories. Anyway he was always eager, but we never got hooked up because of scheduling. Unfortunately, and he died 5 years ago on the 22nd of this month. It was kind of a surprise he died I guess because he always sounded good, funny, boozy. By the way, he was a lot younger than you would think; I guess they portrayed him as older on the show.
I never got any funny stories from him about Redd Foxx, but he did make me laugh. He used to tell me that he was going to come up to Boston for some clam chowder, lobster, red sox game, blah, blah, blah. He tied in every regional thing he could and he plowed into the idea with a truckload of enthusiasm. I dig enthusiastic people. Fucking great guy.

What the hell, here's a picture of Lawanda Page to cleanse the palate.

Funny like an Amish baptism

A friend of mine makes shows for MTV, now he is doing a project with Wilmer Valderamma called "You Mama". I send him material to use for the shows from time to time, because at least it gives us both something to laugh about. Anyway, I watched "Yo Mama" the other night and it made me want to somehow kick myself in the nuts.

Practical joke.

Here is a decent idea for a practical joke:
Catch a skunk.
Somehow make the skunk "go to sleep" for a while, (you'll figure it out).
Soak him in nair so that all of his fur falls off.
Tidy him up nice.
Put him in a breathable sack for transportation.
Bring him to the animal shelter and thell them that you found him in your attic.
Leave.
While they are tring to figure out what kind of animal he is, he'll wake up and start beepin'.

New Year's Eve 2001

On New Year's Eve 2001, I was having dinner with my parents in San Francisco and we had an unprovoked attack from the Cobra-Kai dojo.
At the table next to us was William Zabka, the guy who played Johnny in the "Karate Kid". He looks different, but the same.
He caught me fixing on him in kind of a "I think that's______ ", way. I politely waved hello and give a nod like I was impressed that it was him. He smiled, waved/ said hello and then disappeared into the back somewhere. A few minutes later, I noticed him again, kind of looking at me, only now he was wearing a chinese dragon headband like the one he had in the Karate Kid and his shirt was missing. I could see the many tazer-marks on his torso that he has become famous for. Either way, I thought it was great.
I gave "Billy" the thumbs up because the headband was rockin' and he got out of his chair. My father, an 83 year old man, had to move over to make room for "Billy" in the booth, pushing the jackets and hats out of the way.
"Umm, you're Jimmy from the Karate Kid, right?"
"Actually, it was Johnny" He said.
"My more critically acclaimed work has been in Epics such as Python, Roomies, and Python 2".
"And Back to School" I said, basking in this reflected glory.
"Well," He inflated. "My more important stuff doesn't have Burt Young in it"
"The guy from Pope of Greenwich Village?" Dad said.
"Hi; no." William said. (I checked it later, Billy was wrong about that)
"My cannon of work includes a variety of Chez language short films including: Little Frog, and Most".
"Have you heard of Most?" He said sounding like Chaz (from Back to School).
"Well" Chaz explained, "It received an Academy Award nomination for Best Live Action Short Film". His voice petered out.
"Who the hell is this man" Mom's napkin read as it slid into place next to the veal.
I asked, "SO, what's the deal with Elizabeth Shue?"
"Dude", he said right in front of my elderly mother; "I tagged her so many times that she had to get an kevlar plate installed behind her pubic-bone". "She likes it D..d..d..d..d..doooogayy Styyyyle". And so did Robert Downey Jr." AND, "Robert Downey Sr."
"That's why I'm J-Johnny"

Frank Dux.

"I am here too for the Kumite".
Thrilling Kitten Drawings

Untitled.

"Chief, breaking this case might be a big deal for our department", the patrolman said brightly, hoping to get noticed by the big brass.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa... rookie." The Chief scorned. "Don't go getting your urethras all plump with pre-jizz".
Chief continued, "We have a description of the perp: He is a white male about 60 years old, black hair, dark eyes, shaggy beard, medium height, and approximately 400 pounds.
"Holy shit, did he just say 400 pounds?" Sarge said to a detective seated on the lap of the man next to him.
"Chief, did you just say 400 pounds?"
"Um...yes." "White male, dark eyes, shaggy beard, medium height, 400 pounds; but it was dark and they're not sure about one part of the description"
"The 400 pounds?" The detective asked.
"No, the black hair."
"The suspect was wearing a white silk cap, and the victim only caught a glimpse of his hair; which she thinks was black hair".
Sarge raised his hand again. "Have we questioned Dom Deluise about this yet?"
The Chief replied, "This guy is more of a James Coco"
The Lieutenant piped in, "I was picturing Paul Prudhomme"
"Pavarotti might have some explaining to do as well; he is in town, you know", Sarge broadcasted.
"Pavarotti is in town?" "Where?" everyone wanted to know.
"Well", Sarge explained, "My wife is a surgery assiatant in urology at County Hospital and Mr. Pavarotti comes in once a year to get his colon scraped"
"Wow!" said the gassed rookie. "Is that for health reasons?"
"No." "Ever since he saw Brando do it in Last Tango in Paris, Pavarotti just loves having a stranger's hand up his ass while he dreams about cake batter".

Katherine Hepburn and the Devil's Lettuce

Apparently, Katherine Hepburn used to smoke a lot of Marijuana.
During the shooting of "Little Women" in 1933, she and Douglas Montgomery got so Rasta that they drove a horseless buggy into a crowd in Dover, Massachusetts and knocked a cooper right out of his spats.
Montgomery went on to fame as the first caulkasian man to use the word "beeyach".